stop doing, start being

  People often seem to think they are unhappy because of things they can't do or don't have. Lately I have realized that probably about 99% of the time people are unhappy because of things they ARE doing; things they can change. They religiously visit their ex's facebook profile or cyberstalk people who drive them crazy. They listen to music that makes them depressed. They eat horribly and hurt their bodies (which actually has a MUCH bigger effect on your mood than you might guess). I think people would find themselves a lot happier if they would STOP doing certain things.

  Recently I realized that I spent a lot of time stressing about the future. My husband and I have just signed a fifteen month lease on our one bedroom apartment. We have completed one month of that lease. We are not going anywhere for awhile, and we are definitely not looking to buy a house, at least not any that are on the market right now. Yet I have been driving myself crazy on realtor.com looking at houses, calculating mortgage payments, worrying about how we will pay the bills when we have a house, etc, etc. I have also been worrying about how we will support a child. I am not pregnant, and we are not trying to have a baby. We do not plan to have a baby for at least another year. ASIDE from the fact that I am not pregnant, not trying to get pregnant, and will not be for some time, with Jacob's income we would be perfectly capable of supporting one even if I were. And yet here I sit, stressing myself out about how we will support a family in however many years.

  That is something I had to stop doing. When I realized that I was stressing myself out over things that I can not control (and are completely irrelevant) right now, I tried to isolate the behaviors that were encouraging this stress. These were behaviors like going to realtor.com and researching houses. And...online shopping in general. When I go online shopping, I am usually not looking to buy anything anyway. I just want to make a mental list of things that I want. I didn't realize that this was making me feel extremely discontent until I decided to stop doing it so much. Since I have stopped doing these things, my mood has been immensely improved. I don't think there's anything wrong with visualizing the future...in fact I still do that ALL the time. But when I visualize I don't get into specifics. I don't worry about the details. I don't think about things like paying bills and buying diapers.  I imagine the happy things in my future.

powerful women.

Recently I've been watching "Parks and Recreation," which is a hilarious, "The Office" style show that is centered around a small town called Pawnee in Indiana and its parks and recreation branch of local government. The main character on the show is a deputy director named Leslie Knope. She is a very loveable, funny woman who also happens to be a feminist whose dream is to one day be the first female president of the United States. When many of you hear the word "feminist," it's likely that you get an image of an angry (possibly hairy) woman in the streets waving a sign with some snarky line about equality, but that's radical feminism, not feminism. Feminism is simply the belief that men and women should be treated equally...equal opportunity, equal respect, etc. Men can be feminists just as easily as women. The character Leslie Knope, as I said before is a gentle, kind-hearted woman who genuinely cares about the people around her. 

In the show, Leslie is described again and again as a "powerful woman." Lately it's had me wondering what exactly a "powerful woman" is, and whether or not I am a powerful woman. While analyzing the character of Leslie Knope and some of the other examples of powerful women in my life, I began to realize that they all have one thing in common: they serve people constantly. And not only do they serve people, but they put others first. In an argument, they consider the other person's feelings. To a powerful woman, it is not always about being right, but about what is right for that relationship. When I established this criteria, I asked myself if I am a powerful woman. Sadly, my conclusion is that I am not. For a long time I have mistaken assertiveness and self-defensiveness for power. This belief has made me whiny, self-indulgent, and rude. My poor husband has gotten the short end of the stick because of it, being the self-sacrificial, wonderful (powerful) person he is. Don't get me wrong, I am not always just blatantly selfish. I think of my husband and his feelings a lot. But when I don't get what I want, I can be very childish about it, even if it was my decision to let it go. I defend what I believe to be my rights aggressively, and hate anything that I perceive to be a challenge to them. I am not a powerful woman. 

Thankfully, the first step to change is knowing there's a problem, and it is a new year, and a new day. This year I plan to learn to serve others (particularly my wonderful husband) in any way possible; to learn not to perceive everything as a threat, and to sometimes put my feelings on the back-burner in order to care for the feelings of someone else. This year, I want to become a powerful woman. 

Just my thoughts for the day=) 

How to Live with a Cat (and Cat-Lover) as a Dog Person

  About a month ago, Jacob and I returned home from a visit to his parent's house with a bit of cargo we had not arrived there with. My sweet mother-in-law always sends us home with some gift she picked up for us (set of dishes, ironing board & iron, little needed houeshold items, etc.), but this time we came home not with a gift, but a curse: Nicolae the demon cat.

  Nicolae is known at Jacob's parents house as a monster. He likes to charge at innocent bystanders, biting their calves and leaving bruises and welts that last for days. In his spare time, he likes to find dark spots in the house and camp out there, waiting for people to walk by so he can attack. Needless to say, I did not want any part of this cat. My husband is very much a cat person though, and when he mentioned how much he has been wanting a kitty to his mom, she instantly volunteered Nicolae. The rest is history.

  How have I managed to live with this cat and his overly enthusiastic owner (my husband)? The truthful answer is: hardly. I'm going to share with you how I, devoted dog-lover that I am, have survived this past month living with Nicolae the demon cat. Hopefully this will help some other poor unfortunate soul.

1. Always remember that you are NOT dealing with a dog. However much you may want a dog, the cat is not magically going to become one. Therefore, aggressively rubbing the cat is not a good idea. Nor is it a good idea to chase them around. Or stroke his or her tail. These actions will not be considered "play" to the cat, and will likely result in the cat either hiding behind the washer for a few days or a vicous attack.

2. Do not chase the cat with a vacuum cleaner. Hilarious though it may be, it will result in the cat hiding for hours and your husband being very peeved at you and accusing you of animal abuse.

3. Make sure the cat cannot get under your bed. Some cats like to get under beds and couches and tear holes in the lining beneath them so that they can climb up inside of it. Nicolae is one of these cats. For the first week that he lived with us, he lived inside of our bed. Every day, Jacob would have to completely dismantle the bed just to get him out. We tried everything; every day we would make sure every crack and crevice was stuffed with pillows or blankets so that the cat couldn't get in, but he would always find a way. Some cat owners have had to nail plywood to the bottom of their beds to keep their cats from getting in; we were about a heartbeat away from doing this when the cat finally stopped altogether.

4. Respect the cat's space. Remember that quote, "Years ago, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this?" It's totally true. Unless you worship the cat (like my husband does), you are disposable to him. Therefore you must choose between two options: worship the cat. Buy him all kinds of toys and always be interested in what he's doing, pet him in the way he wants to be petted, etc., OR leave him be. I have chosen the second option. I am not a cat-lover and I am not about to pretend to be one. So Nicolae and I have an understanding. I respect his space and he respects mine...for the most part.

5. Understand that you will sometimes be attacked for no good reason. Cats are more loyal than they seem. Since my husband worships the cat, his loyalty is with him. Which means that when my husband punishes the cat for any reason, the cat's rage will be taken out on me. I know this. I accept it. He's been de-clawed, so that makes this truth a little more bearable.

6. Set limits for your cat-lover. I just learned this one yesterday. As a newly married couple, Jacob and I don't have a lot of money. We are trying hard to save, but something always seems to come up. Which is why I find it a wee bit ridiculous that Jacob won't stop buying toys for Nicolae! Every time we get paid, Jacob goes to the store and buys a new squeaky toy, a new bag of catnip, a new scratching post or castle, or any number of contraptions that involve something fuzzy hanging on the end of a string. Our roommate is starting to complain. Finally, yesterday, after Jacob bought the cat a tunnel to play in, I told him, "You have to stop buying toys for Nicolae." He already knew it, but sometimes a cat-lover just has to hear it from someone else.

7. Do not touch the cat with your foot. There will be consequences.

8. Do not touch the cat's tail, lower back, stomach, or back paws. If you must touch him, stroke him gently behind the ears, and never get too rough. Or...there will be consequences.

9. If you are even slightly allergic to cats, always wash your hands after touching them and never hold them against your skin. I have learned this the hard way.

10. Enjoy them=) Cats are evil. That is an undeniable truth. But sometimes, even pure evil can be really cute when it climbs inside of a box or traps itself in a Wal-Mart bag!

  Cats are complex creatures and there are probably a million more rules for living with them. These are just the top ten things I've learned while living with Nicolae this past month. Hopefully, as I said before, they benefit some other poor, unfortunate soul whom fate has stuck with one of these creatures.

God's Best Gift

  I just literally sat at my kitchen table and sobbed for the past fifteen minutes. Before you start asking what's wrong with me though, I will go ahead and tell you that I was sobbing tears of joy...I was crying the way that people only really cry when they realize how very much God has done for them, and are completely moved to the point that words are inadequate.

  I have a few old love letters from my husband (from back when we were dating/long distance) saved on my computer. I saved them just for memory's sake, but this morning I decided to go over them and read them for the first time since I got them. Now when I first got this particular letter, I read it with skeptical eyes. Jacob and I had been together for about 2 months at the time, and the letter was filled with romance and promises and a lot of intensity. I remember when I read it I was not as much moved by them as I was overwhelmed by his intensity. I remember not really knowing how to reply to them. At the time I thought it was just my personality to be aloof like that...to be skeptical and unreceptive of love. However, when I re-read the letter this morning, I began to almost immediately cry. Every promise he had mentioned in the letter, he has fulfilled. When he promised he would stick it out through the hard times and would not let go of me no matter what life threw at us? He meant it. When he promised to be there for me when I was hurt? He meant it. When he told me he wanted to be there to hold me when I was wrinkled? Well, I'm not exactly wrinkled, but I know he will still be with me when I am.

  As strange as it may sound, just reading that letter again helped me to see how God has used Jacob to change me, and what a gift Jacob is to me. When I first read that letter, I was unreceptive. Two years later I am not only moved by his words, but I can see how he's fulfilled them. And I can see a change in me. Two years ago, I thought it was my "personality" to be unreceptive to love...I thought it was normal that it made me uncomfortable for someone to love me so much. Jacob has taught me how to be receptive of love by giving his love to me relentlessly. God used Jacob to show me His own love. I realized that this morning as I was reading, and that is what moved me to tears.

  This blog is not just about my husband, as wonderful as he is and as much as I adore him and am so, so thankful for his impact on my life - it is also about God's good gifts, and His willingness to give them to His children. Jacob, as I've said before, is God's best gift to me. I can't thank Him enough.

Prayers, please?

  Week 1: Apply for jobs. Unpack stuff. Enjoy new apartment. Spend time with husband. Put together meals. Start reading "The Hunger Games." Get on pinterest. Work on school work. Be very facebook active. Be very lonely.

  I am a person who needs people. I used to hate saying this and I truly believed that I was as independent as they come, and that I didn't need people. I now think that that was an immature attitude to have. EVERYONE needs people. Some people need people more than others, and I am one of those. I'm an extrovert. That doesn't necessarily mean that I'm super-outgoing (although I can be under the right circumstances), but it does mean that I need contact with people a lot. Introverts recharge by spending time by themselves doing quiet, introspective things. Extroverts recharge by being around people and having fun (or that is my understanding anyway). I haven't had enough "people time" for my liking lately.

  It's not the end of the world. In fact, it was to be expected. I knew I was moving to a place where I wouldn't know anyone. I knew that I wouldn't have a job right away and that I'd be spending a lot of time at the apartment by myself. I even knew I would be lonely the way I am right now. I accepted these things before I came here, and in spite of my loneliness (during the day, when my husband is gone), I am very happy with where I am and still believe with all my heart that this is where God wants me.

  So I am not trying to say by airing these frustrations that I regret my decision or that I am sad, depressed, or even desperate to meet people (at least not yet...I'm only one week in, haha). I am simply saying that I am lonely, that I feel I am lacking something quite essential to me, and that I'd appreciate prayers. First of all, please pray that if God has something He wants me to learn from this time by myself or something He wants to change in me, that I would be open to it and not look for people simply to have people around, but rather to turn my attention where He wants it. Second, please pray that I get a job. Financially, it isn't needed at the moment (although it would be a plus, for sure), but it's important to me. Third, please pray that I meet people (preferably young women around my age) and start making some friends in this area!

  I also have an idea in mind for a business I'd like to start...I've been thinking hard about it lately and am not sure exactly how it would work. Please pray that if it's what God wants I would have some kind of breakthrough in that department =) Thanks!

March 10th, and Brighter Days

The Dark Side

  Two days ago was the longest, and one of the most exciting days of my life so far. At 4:30 in the morning I got up, took a shower, and started getting ready to leave for the airport. I said goodbye to my sister at 6 AM and my mom, stepdad and I headed to Dulles. There, I said goodbye to them and took my first flight to Chicago.

  There was supposed to be an hour long layover, but my first flight was delayed, so when I landed in Chicago I headed straight for the next gate. My next flight was very fast and very relaxing. I got some sleep and I got to look out the window at the sky.

  We landed in Little Rock after about an hour and a half. My layover in Little Rock was scheduled for just under 3 hours (it was the cheapest ticket!). I worked on a little schoolwork, got something to eat, and called my husband. The few hours went by quickly, and then I boarded the third plane. I sat next to a mother and baby, and we talked casually, expecting the plane to take off as scheduled. However, after fifteen minutes past our departure time, the pilot got on the speaker and told us to exit the plane, and that they were having mechanical issues.

  I waited in line (with all the other stressed out people) to talk to the ladies working at my gate for about another 15 minutes only to be told to wait and see if the issue could be fixed. After ANOTHER 15 minutes of waiting to find out if it could be fixed, we were told that it couldn't. I spent the next very stressed out hour talking to people who worked at the airport, asking what I should do. The only answer they could give me was to go to the front of the aiport (so that I would have to go back through security) and see if I could get my ticket changed.

  I stood there talking to a very nice, but quite incompetent guy in ticketing who kept giving me all the wrong answers (ie, telling me the best answer would be to refund my ticket and buy another one even though I couldn't get a full refund on my ticket since I'd already flown, putting me on a later flight than the next one available, etc, etc.). Thankfully another worker came up and simply placed me on the very next flight then handed me a boarding pass.

  I had to go back through security, where they made me throw away a water bottle I had just bought, right before I had to go back to ticketing. And of course, at the airport, a bottle of water costs about the same as a bar of gold might anywhere else.

  About 2 hours after I was supposed to have already been with my husband, I boarded the plane (for the fourth time) and arrived in Texas an hour and a half later...and of course, when I landed, my luggage was nowhere to be seen. It turns out it had never left Washington, DC, and would have to be delivered to me the next day. My luggage fees are apparently non-refundable, too.

The Bright Side

  Did any of that matter when I was in my husband's arms again after not seeing him for two weeks (English to Newlywed-ese: 500 years)? NO. Not at all! And not having my luggage the next day hardly mattered to me either. I was so happy and so excited to be with him again! Just touching his face is so wonderful...

  He showed me our apartment, and I was SO impressed! I love the place! It is so beautiful and such good quality. We are so blessed to be able to move from my mom and stepdad's house right into a very nice apartment!

  We spent the night after that going grocery shopping together (very interesting), and doing other newlywed things. I could only stay up for so long though after being up at 4:30 in the morning and having such a hellish day, so when Jacob tried to put a movie on, I basically fainted. I fainted next to HIM though, so it's okay =)

  Yesterday, I spent all day long with my sweetie, and loved EVERY second of it. I cooked our first meal in our new apartment (hamburger helper and garlic bread) last night. It was so nice to be able to do that in my own place and be able to provide for Jacob in that way, even if it wasn't much!

  Today, I spent the day alone, worked on school a little, got a bath and got ready for the day, applied for a couple jobs (they both seem promising!), and unpacked my suitcases. The boxes will have to wait for another day!

  Just thought I'd give everyone an update on what's been going on since my move! I am very excited, and I definitely see this move as a good thing! Please continue to pray for Jacob and I. There are challenges ahead, of course...but I know that everything will be okay. I have him, he has me, and we both have God! That is everything we need.

A New Chapter and A Big Move

  Many of you may already know that Jacob and I have made a life-changing (somewhat - depending on what you'd call life-changing) decision. I am sorry about the manner in which some of you have found out. I have tried to use discretion in talking about it so that I could talk to my friends about this decision in person or at least one-on-one. But as the time is coming close for this change to come to fruition, it's clear to me now that I need to simply announce our plans.

  Jacob and I have decided to move to Texas. Dallas, Texas to be specific. The way this came about is a somewhat long story, but I will paraphrase it. Basically, Jacob was offered two job opportunities. One was here, and one was in Texas. The opportunities were both good ones, and we were torn. We have both been wanting for some time and for various reasons to go back to Texas, but it seemed so much easier to stay here. My family is here, and when I move I will miss them terribly. My job is here, and it is the best job I have ever had. I love my coworkers and my managers and the work is great as well. We found ourselves unsure of which way to go.

  So we prayed, and we prayed hard that God would show us which way He wanted us to go. Our prayer specifically was that God would make it absolutely clear to us which "door" we were to walk through. We asked Him to close whichever door He didn't want us to go through. He did this one day when after Jacob prayed that prayer his phone rang. It was the man who had been talking with him about the job here in this area. He had called to tell Jacob the position was no longer available because his background check was taking too long to come back since he had previously lived out of state. All the positions had been filled.

  After we received this confirmation, we decided to move full steam ahead. We signed a lease on an apartment in Mesquite, Texas. The place is beautiful, and I am very excited to live there! I will try to post pictures once we are settled in. Jacob is scheduled to leave with all our belongings (except those essential to me) this coming weekend, and I will be flying out to meet him on March 10th. We will be sharing the apartment with our good friend Josh for the next 12 months.

  I am extremely excited and extremely nervous about this move. I am having a lot of mixed feelings about it; I will miss my family and friends terribly, and I will miss my job. I will miss the area, too. But there is definitely a peace in my heart that I know is from God. I know that this is where He wants me and that there is a reason for that. I KNOW that this will be a good thing.

  Jacob and I would both appreciate your prayers as we start our life together. Please pray specifically for peace, that we would make friends quickly (this prayer is mostly for me, because I know very few people in that area and am not sure how soon I will be able to get a job).

  If you're reading this I probably love you. Thank you so much for your support!

Five-hundred-twenty-five-thousand-six-hundred minutes

  At the beginning of every year, I feel compelled to write a blog summing up the last one; describe highlights and low points, review lessons learned, etc. This blog is 2011's sum-up.

  I spent new year's 2011 with Jacob in Texas. At the stroke of midnight, he kissed me and whispered in my ear that 2011 would be the year we would get married. In spite of all previous evidence pointing to the fact that Jacob generally does the things he sets his mind to do, I found it hard to believe him.

  I went back to West Virginia where I continued living and attending classes at Shepherd University. It was a somewhat lonely time for me. I was surrounded by friends at Shepherd, but it was hard for me to be fully "there" knowing that Jacob was 2,000 miles away from me and could not be an active, physical part of my life. I often thought of and longed for the past.

  I did make some wonderful memories with friends in spite of my predicament. Many evenings were spent eating out with my friends, pulling all-nighters and IHOP runs with my roommate, helping friends out with school work and experimenting with a wide variety of ways to avoid my own! When the weather got warmer, I was ecstatic. I have happy memories of walking to class and seeing students playing guitar or writing in journals outside, laying on the lawn, some of them even sun-bathing! My roommate Hannah and I went through a tye-dye phase, which I loved!

  My heart broke a little bit when it was time to leave Shepherd University. I had resolved not to come back for the fall semester. Jacob and I had been talking more about marriage, and I was unsure as to whether or not I would be in West Virginia or in Texas when it came time to start school, so I had started looking into online school. It was so sad to see Turner 104 without my pictures on the wall, my books in a pile next to my bed, and Bootsie (my stuffed cat) sitting on the comforter. I was full of hope for the future when I turned my keys in, but there was definitely a part of me that knew I would miss the place terribly (and I do).

  Moving into my mom and stepdad's house was a transition. My family had moved in after I started school, so I had never called the place home. I got comfortable quickly though, and began focusing on Jacob's upcoming visit and starting school at American Public University.

  Jacob arrived in West Virginia on May 13th, 2011. I was so ecstatic to have him around again! Being without him for 4 months had been torture for both of us. The next day, on May 14th, he took me to Jefferson Rock and proposed! It was such a wonderful moment for me! I had known we were seriously contemplating marriage, but I finally had a ring on my finger and a promise. I was such a happy girl!

  The rest of the visit went happily. We watched movies together and stayed up late every night. We talked about our wedding plans and where we would live. He smoked cigarettes while I blew bubbles. Every day with him seemed magical. When he left, I was sad, but the ring on my finger kept my spirits high.

  In that next month, I secured a job at the Holiday Inn Express as a front desk clerk, and started classes at American Public University soon after. I liked my job at first, but found it hard to keep up with the ever-changing rules, and was very intimidated by my boss's bullying attitude. After about a month, I was terminated for not "having the right personality". At first, I was very stressed by my financial predicament and felt bad about myself for being rejected in that way. However, before long I was on the rebound again looking for another job!

  Jacob and I had discussed our engagement and prospects in depth, and decided that it would be best to take my mom and stepdad up on their offer to let us live in a room in their basement for our first year of marriage. He moved to West Virginia to be with me in July, and the next month or so was spent getting him settled in, buying a car, and getting used to living together.

  Jacob and I searched enthusiastically for jobs together while I maintained a (VERY) modest income continuing work at Kohl's, where I had worked for the previous two years. By early September, I got a phone call concerning the resume I had submitted to the Bank of Charles Town. They wanted me to come in for an interview! The hiring process was long and nervewracking, but the late September I was hired and on September 29th, I started as a teller. I loved my job instantly and learned its processes quickly as well.

  In October, Jacob and I decided we couldn't wait much longer to get married. Although we had been living in the same house for a few months, I could not (according to an agreement with mom and Gary) move into our bedroom until we were married. We loved each other and knew that we were ready to start the rest of our lives together, regardless of our youth. We began to focus heavily on our wedding. We set the date for November 13th and stuck to it. My whole family and a few friends pulled together and worked hard on making the day special for us. I found an elegant and simple wedding dress and the perfect lipstick. My mom decorated the place beautifully, fixed a lot of wonderful food, and made a cupcake tier. The ceremony was intimate, with only immediate family and one family that I have known since early childhood present. Jacob and I were both as nervous as we could possibly be, but as we looked at each other, there was a wonderful sense of peace that we both felt knowing we were making the right decision. I was reeling the whole day, in ecstatic disbelief that I could call this man "my husband".

  Later on in November, Jacob was also offered a job at Sheetz, which he started just before December started. This was a victory worth mentioning; it is nearly impossible to find a job lately. Even more so for Jacob, because some of the skills he had learned from previous jobs in Texas were not of much relevance here.

  This past month we have spent becoming more comfortable with our jobs and with married life. I have realized this past month that American Public University is not the school for me, and will no longer be attending. Other than that, December was fairly uneventful until Christmas Day. That morning, I woke up with a horrible stomach ache. Shortly after I woke up (before I could even touch my stocking), I began to sweat horribly, to the point where my skin felt cold and clammy. As this happened, I stared at my arm thinking, "This can't be normal..." My vision began to blur and I started getting dizzy. My mom knocked on the door to the bathroom (where I was when it started happening), and asked if I was okay. "Help..." I said weakly, and leaned over, virtually blind now, to open the locked door for her. My mom instantly started to freak out when she saw me. Apparently I was completely colorless and my pupils were dilated to the point that my irises weren't visible. I could hear her screaming for people to call 911, but only barely. My hearing was bad, too. I couldn't protest or stand up or do anything except feel HORRIBLE and helpless and try to see things without success. I thought I was going to die...on Christmas morning. My mom got some orange juice for me, which at first I refused telling her to "Get the toilet out of my mouth". When she convinced me that it was not the toilet or the trash can I was putting in my mouth, I drank, and color instantly began to return to my face, sight to my eyes, and hearing to my ears. By the time the ambulance arrived at the house, I looked perfectly normal, but they discovered that my blood sugar was fairly low. They were wonderful people, and very gentle and kind, saying they take the shift on Christmas day because they don't have children at home. I refused to go to the hospital with them, but they told me to call again if I needed to go again for any reason.

  Christmas was still Christmas in the most basic way, but I felt terrible all day and could hardly move, and the whole day was overshadowed by my family's worry for me and my own fear and confusion about what had happened. It just wasn't a very satisfying climax to the Christmas season for me =/

  This past week I went to see a doctor and was officially diagnosed with hypoglycemia, which means I have to change my eating habits a lot. I now have to eat six small meals a day instead of three big ones, and I can't eat a whole lot of sugar because my blood sugar could spike and crash the way it did on Christmas.

  I would say this has been an eventful year.

  To me, it's just amazing how a year can take you from one point to another without apology for any changes it might make to your life. In the year 2011, I both began to consider marriage, and actually got married. If you had asked me on December 31st 2010 if I thought this would happen, I would have said no. I would have said Jacob and I would probably wait a few years until I was out of school. I would say we might get engaged soon, but it would probably be a long engagement. Funny how we think we know where we're headed, isn't it?

  I am looking SO forward to all the wonderful and unexpected changes 2012 is going to bring me! I have a few goals (NOT resolutions) that I'd like to meet this year, and these are:

  1) Learn to truly love and accept myself. My insecurities are serving NO ONE.
  2) Learn to eat right for the sake of my health and not almost dying on a holiday again.
  3) Move out/hopefully buy a house.
  4) Learn to invest.
  5) Start my own business.
  6) Go back to Shepherd part time.
  7) Learn to crochet.

  In spite of all its ups and downs, 2011 was a good year. You have big boots to fill 2012, but I think you can do it=)

  Happy new year, everyone! If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my long-winded and somewhat scrambled blog!

"How's married life?"

  Since I got married about a month ago, the question I've heard the most from anyone I've encountered has been, "How's married life?" To silence this question and to satisfy those who ask it, I'm writing now to give this answer: more wonderful than I could ever have imagined.

  Marriage is everything and nothing like I imagined it would be. I assumed that things would basically stay the same, but that we would be more commited. True, some things have stayed and will stay the same; after all, we are the same people who fell in love with each other what seems like forever ago. Our personalities are the same, our mannerisms are the same, and in a large way, our way of relating to each other is the same. But now there is something there that wasn't before, like an entity all its own. It's as though we've cemented our souls together. We fully belong to each other now, and that is such a beautiful feeling.

  Another false assumption I had made about marriage is that it would somehow separate me from everything I am, everything in my life; my friends, my family, my hobbies, and essentially my freedom. It has not done that at all. My marriage feels like a deep and wonderful friendship, not a cage. The only freedom I truly lack is the freedom to be with someone other than Jacob, and that is not a freedom I want. I still have relationships with my friends and family (married and single alike). I am still my own person.

  Marriage has done wonderful things for Jacob and I. We have both realized that no matter how frustrated we are in a given situation, this is for the long haul, and we have to learn to work our frustrations out. This has done wonders for the way we communicate with one another. His role in my life has also changed. He is now not only someone I have strong feelings for; he is a lover, a friend, and now a member of my family. I have noticed we have both tried eagerly to put each other first (in most situations) and to be good spouses to each other. He is my  husband. I am his wife. In his words, "I'm young, and I'm not a perfect husband, but I'm trying." That is more important than just about anything.

  I know that my happy, gushy feelings about my marriage can largely be attributed to being a newlywed. But I know for sure that I am married to the man I am going to love until my heart stops beating, and I so look forward to all the years I'll have with him until then.

  Sincerely, Mrs. Beam =)

  (Yes, that was necessary...hehe!)

Cry Me a River?

  I've always heard that crying is a good thing. That it is a great release. That sometimes you have to just "let it out". Crying used to be therapeutic for me, because I would let my emotions build up and build up until something small happened and I had a great big cry over it. It was nice to cry then. It wasn't miserable like it is now.

  Lately, I cry at the drop of a hat. Someone says something mean to me, and I cry. I fail my driving test and I cry. I think about something sad, and I cry. I see an "emotional" car commercial and I cry. I used to think that it was good that I'd started to so easily access my emotions, because for a long time I felt hardened. I felt like not being emotional about something meant you were powerful. So when I started crying whenever I felt like it, I thought it was good that I was being honest with myself...that I was coming to accept that people have feelings, and that it is okay to cry, and that it is not a sign of weakness. But I don't know anymore.

  I don't think it's good to be hardened at all. But I think that when you cry almost daily, when no one feels sorry for what they've done to you at the sight of your tears (even when they truly should), and when crying only makes you feel empty and weak, it is time to "suck it up" (as they say), and focus your attention elsewhere. I'm not sure if this is the most psychologically healthy way to deal with your feelings, but at some point you just have to recognize that you can't be defeated by the things people do to you.

  In short, I'm not sure crying is all it's cracked up to be.

Don't Worry; Be Happy

  Recently I've gotten involved in a bible study at the church I attended as a child called "Experiencing God". The whole idea of a bible study makes me a little wary (as do a LOT of churchy, christiany things). For one, "bible studies" usually revolve around a book that a human being wrote, and thus depend completely on the perceptions of a human being. While I admit that these perceptions can be correct and inspired by God, I've always been afraid to paticipate in a bible study, afraid of swallowing the words of a flawed human being, knowing how much faith I tend to put in the written word. I also dislike filling in blanks and answering obvious questions; I feel like I'm being spoon-fed a message. One more thing that I dislike about the idea of a bible study is the fact that I don't want to feel closer to God because of a ritual I perform; I want to be closer to Him because I'm seeking. However, lately I've been rethinking this a little bit. I think that if anything brings you closer to God, it's a good thing. It doesn't have to come about a certain way. It doesn't have to be some deep, life-transforming thing like I've expected it to be. I think anything that reminds me of God's presence in my life is worth being a part of. I also think that while I would like my spiritual experience to be more "earthy" and not as contrived as participating in a bible study seems to be, that everything happens for a reason. God is working behind the scenes all the time, even when we don't realize it. I think that God has put me in a position where I am able to take part in this bible study for a reason. I don't know of anything more earthy and real as far as spirituality goes than God putting something right in front of you, and you consequently following the steps as he puts them in front of you. All that to say that I am really enjoying this bible study. I really feel closer to God because of it, and when I do it, I feel that I am exactly where I need to be.

  I just got through the first week of the "Experiencing God" bible study, and a lot of points have been made; but the main message I have taken away from everything I've read is that faith in God is SO important. I've read story after story of famous bible characters having such low self-esteem and confidence in their own ability to accomplish great things, and God choosing them anyway. One of the verses that has become so important to me (as well as the rest of the people doing the study) is Phillipans 4: 6:

"Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Present your requests to God, and thank Him for all He has done."

  Lately, I have been SO worried and stressed. I am 20 years old. I have never had a car or a license. I am engaged to be married, and we plan to have our wedding in October. I barely have any money and have been hardly getting any hours at work. Not to mention, I start school at APU in a month and I don't know what level of academic intensity my classes are. I have been trying to assuage my worries by dreaming. I get online, browse for places to live, things to buy, wedding dresses, wedding bands, etc. I don't have the money (at the moment) for any of these things! Instead of helping, my "dreaming" and "planning" has only made my worries worse.

  For awhile now, the voice of God has been lost to me. I have not clearly "heard" Him speak for awhile now; however, for the past few days, I have clearly felt Him reaffirm this bible verse. He has asked me very specifically not to plan so far ahead. Right now, He has asked me to focus ONLY on what I can actually accomplish in the here and now, which is getting my driver's license and a car. He has asked me to catch myself worrying, and to bring each and every worry to Him. It has been hard, and I have failed to do so here and there, but for the most part I have been trying hard to trust God to provide for me, and He has. Ever since I started praying about the financial burdens I am facing, I have been asked to work shifts for others often. I have been called in to work often. I've even been offered a babysitting job, and just tonight my mom told me about the possibility of a summer job for me. I am continuing to pray for my fiance', who is working a very stressful and physically taxing job waiting tables right now, and I trust God to provide for Him as well.

  The point of this blog is just to share about the good things going on in my life, and to remind all of you that God is there, that He loves you, and that you don't have to worry about tomorrow! In another verse about worrying, Jesus states that "today has enough trouble of its own." Take His words to heart. I did, and my life has improved drastically ever since I put my future in God's hands.

  I would like to ask for prayer (and suggestions, if any of you have any) for my car. I don't need anything fancy, just something reliable. Please be praying that I would find something that meets my needs and doesn't break the bank for me! If anyone is trying to sell a car, you know who to call! =) Please pray also for my fiance'. Like I said, his job now just isn't working out for him, especially now that we're trying to get married. Please pray that God would provide him with a job that is just perfect for him and for us!

FutureMrsBeam =)

  On Saturday, May 14, 2011, I got engaged to the love of my life: Jacob Lee Beam! =) It was very romantic and happened during his last visit up on Jefferson Rock (a beautiful historic monument) after talking about how much we loved each other. He was sweet and perfect, and he made our engagement a moment I will never forget! My ring is absolutely BEAUTIFUL, fits me perfectly, and better than what I ever would have asked for.

  This is something that we have been talking about for some time now, and something that I am EXTREMELY happy for. As of now, all the kinks have yet to be worked out as far as dates and details, but I am happy just to know that I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with someone who makes me laugh, takes care of me, and has my whole heart. I love my man!

...

  I have always been the one to comfort people when they miss the past, saying things like, "The golden years are just beginning", and "Yes, that memory is great - but you'll make many, many more that are so much better!" I have always been the one trying to keep people's spirits up when it seems like the best is behind them. But today I'm realizing, as I do some days more than others, that sometimes it really does hurt that some things/people/memories will never come back.

  The worst thing about this is that most of the time, it's not that the people are dead or truly gone; it's not that you won't ever see them again. Most of the time, it's that some dynamic has changed. You're not as close as you were to another person. Something happened that makes it awkward or even painful to have the same kind of relationship that you did before. Sometimes you must settle for a lesser form of what you used to have with someone. Sometimes they change. Sometimes you change. Sometimes you just have to accept that although they still live and breathe, they are no longer apart of your life at all.

  Today, as I look back over what seems to be a graveyard of friendships, I feel a mixture of happiness for the good memories, sadness for the fact that I can never relive them, and anger over the things that divided us. I could go on and on about all the things I feel and all the ways that people have changed, but I'll suffice it to say that sometimes, it just hurts; and no amount of reassurance that the future will be even brighter can change that.

Debt and Cupcakes

  For some time now, I've been trying to establish credit. I work at KOHL's, so I started by applying for a store charge card. I was denied, so I tried several different places, and was denied everywhere (it's funny how people who have never had credit can't establish credit because they can't get a credit card...because they've never had credit!) I was finally approved at KOHL's because after working there for a year your manager can submit some paper work and get you approved. I've worked there for almost 2 years now.

  My card came in the mail yesterday, and I was weirdly ecstatic to have my "first credit card!" My starting balance was only $200, but it was more than I needed, so I was happy with it. I had a carefully developed plan to purchase a new summer wardrobe and pay the minimum balance each month so that I could establish credit, and to continue doing this each season until I had established good credit. However, I spent an hour and a half shopping after work today, and was so terrified to use my credit card that I only bought $28 worth of items! A white t-shirt, a black lightweight cardigan, and a book about how to make cupcakes that I've had my eye on for at least a month now. I saw so many things that I liked, but I'm telling you, I'm terrified to use the thing! Any tips on how to successfully use a credit card/establish good credit would be much appreciated =)





Me and "Crazy About Cupcakes"



  The book that I bought about cupcakes is called "Crazy About Cupcakes", and the thing is amazing! You can make kahlua and beer cupcakes, chocolate chip cookie cupcakes, cupcakes for every holiday and all different kinds of occasions (including 3 tier wedding cupcakes!), and fruit cupcakes! I have had an interest in cake decorating for a long time now, so I'm terribly excited about this book, as demonstrated by this picture;-)  So basically you can count on me to be making cupcakes virtually constantly now. Actually, that's a lie because I don't have an oven at school, nor do I have the money to constantly be buying supplies for cupcakes, because I'm saving for a car (as well as other wonderful life events! =D).

  On a final note, I'd like to ask that anyone who reads this contact me if they know of any cheap/reliable cars for sale! I am desperate to buy a car very soon! Thanks =)

 

Somebody's Got to Be The Hero.

  I am now 100% certain that I believe with all my heart that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. When you're a kid (in America, anyway), you grow up associating romance with magic carpet rides, and randomly meeting a handsome stranger in the forest. Now of course, there are perfect, intoxicating moments in romantic relationships. I'm not sure a relationship can be healthy without feeling some sense of "magic" with your partner; and I'm not in any way writing a blog about the evils of Disney. However, I think that our culture puts an expectation on relationships that is unrealistic in light of the stark truth: People are broken, and thus have broken relationships.

 

  The more I watch and observe people's relationships, the more I think this fact is true. I used to think that some people/couples really had it all together. I've always thought I was falling short in some way when I had problems with my boyfriends, or with my family for that matter. I thought that I wasn't working hard enough or that if I searched harder and longer, I would one day find someone who was perfect in every way and made every day intoxicating and wonderful. I would wonder why my relationships never quite got 'there'. Lately, however, I've been shocked to find that relationships that I've admired have their own weaknesses that only the two involved are aware of. I've seen members of very strong couples cheat on each other, break each other's trust, simply lose interest, or finally just come out and say, "I took this too fast. I don't really love you." That whole perfection thing? It just doesn't happen. This isn't to say that people shouldn't work and strive to make their relationships good and fulfilling; I'm simply saying that putting such high expectations on relationships is sure to leave you disappointed. It doesn't matter who you're with.

  I've even put unrealistic expectations on my family life. I have felt so often that my family fell short of what a perfect family ought to be. I've felt so many times that I should just give up on my family because they are too messy and problematic to deal with. I am finally learning that many of my relationship problems stem from my own unwillingness to accept the people I am close to as imperfect people.

  If my mom were not so quick to jump the gun, if Gary would stay out of my business, if my dad wasn't so immature, if my sister wasn't so stingy, if my brother didn't have a bad attitude, if Jacob didn't hang up on me, if Brenna wasn't such a workaholic, if Hannah wasn't so moody about her sleep, WE WOULD ALL GET ALONG JUST FINE. I find myself with thoughts like these all too often. And too often, after an argument, I have been willing to throw relationships out the door, regardless of how important they are to me; all because they are not "perfect".

  I find also that some of my relationship problems stem from my own unwillingness to accept myself as an imperfect person. When I am in the midst of conflict, I, like most people, tend to view myself as the victim. All wrongdoings are justified because the other parties were "more wrong", and no apologies can be made until they are received. I was talking to a friend today who told me, "Pride is crap. In every conflict someone has to be the hero" (she got this from Dr. Phil =P hehe). These words really ring tue with me. Humility, like love, is something that I have always thought of as a weakness and am just now learning to perceive as a strength. It makes sense that being humble is the "strong" thing to do, since it is so incredibly difficult.

  Something else I would like to point out about relationships goes back to the first point I made about our expectations for relationships. I like to think that my relationships (especially one special relationship) will fulfill me. I look to one or a few people to make me feel "whole". Their opinions mean the world to me. Their acceptance means even more. If I am in any way slighted or rejected by one of those close to me, I feel like an incomplete person. This is something I have to work on. One thing that is detrimental to relationships is putting undue pressure on them. When you look to another person to fulfill you, you are certain to end up disappointed. People are just people. People get tired. People get sick. People get moody/cranky. People often come from backgrounds that are much different from your own. Some people are broken. People WILL disappoint you. When your fulfillment comes from something within (God, creative fulfillment, or even just self-acceptance), good relationships are easier to have, and really just the icing on the cake.
 
  In short, the point I am getting at is that relationships are so valuable. They are priceless in fact. They are not worth throwing away because of imperfection. I'd like to add that this does not apply to abusive relationships. If a situation is unsafe, you need to get away from it; however, I would advise everyone who reads this blog not to treat relationships as if they were disposable. Don't take the easy way out and throw something precious. It's not worth it.

Just One Of Those Days

"I've been dreaming of sailing away, I'll build a boat out of paper mache'." -

He Is Legend

"Sometimes, I just wanna build a raft and sail out into the middle of the ocean and stare at the sky until I die of starvation.

Wow, that was morbid."

- Kendra Forsythe



To Be Happy

  Every week that I'm at Shepherd, without fail, I get depressed. I'm not trying to say that I have 'depression' the illness or anything like that. It's not serious or something anyone ought to be too worried about. I like to blame it on the harsh flourescent lighting in my dorm room, but I think it's a combination of factors. I feel a bit lonely, for one. I have friends here, but they are busy people, as am I. Not one of us can drop everything we're doing to spend time with each other at any given moment. Another seemingly contradictory factor is the fact that there are so many people here. Sometimes, that can make a person even more lonely. I see so many people all the time, and I know only a very small percentage of them. Then there's the fact that BECAUSE there are so many people around, I'm not free to just do whatever I want to do; for instance, when it's warm, I like to go outside in a bathing suit and lay in the sun, but I would never think of doing that here. I'd feel much too 'on display'. Then there's just the fact that I miss my family, and I miss Jacob. This school is not where I want to be. It is not where my heart is, and when I'm alone here for too long, I'm bound to get gloomy. I'm not blogging about this because I just need something to blog about. I'm blogging about it because writing is genuinely therapeutic for me, and because I thought it might help to blog about something lighthearted; something that makes me happy.

  So, since there is so little in my present life to talk about in the realm of happiness, I think I'll refer to a happy memory. When I was 15, I moved into a little town called Warren, Texas. I loved the house I lived in. It was old with a wrap-around porch where my family installed a porch swing. The whole house had hardwood floors except for my room, which had nasty old blue carpet. So when we moved in I spent the afternoon with a pair of pliers tearing the carpet out by myself to reveal the rustic looking hardwood flooring beneath. My 'vintage' style decor went well with the room, and for the first time in my life, I had a room of my own (something I'd wanted since I was an eight year old).

  The neighbors were very friendly and all came out to meet us on the day we moved in. We experienced our first culture shock when we realized that the neighbors saw nothing wrong with wandering into our house any time of the day, and my mom eventually found it necessary to hang curtains up in the dining room so that our nosy neighbors wouldn't be able to look in at us while we were trying to eat dinner. I made friends out of my neighbors Bethany and Kyle, who were about my age. Bethany and I started taking walks together almost every day after she got back from school and telling me all of her dramatic stories. I could tell that she thought of me as naive and innocent, and liked to tell me her stories for shock value. I hated that she thought of me that way, but she was probably more right than I would have liked to admit.



At the school



  One of the best things about our new neighborhood was that if you walked down the road there was a junior high. Next to the junior high was an old, old, OLD high school. It sat like a time capsule from the 1950s (at least), unable to be torn down because of the risk of making airborne the asbestos within. My sister and I used to walk down to the old school and sit in the yard with a blanket and a picnic, or tea, or canvases and paints, or whatever else we decided to bring. We liked to get all dolled up before we went and take pictures. We'd talk about anything we wanted. We'd talk about our family if they were bothering us, gush about boys or talk about our boy dilemmas; but more often than not we would just goof off and laugh about God-knows-what.

  After a few years of living in Warren, I met Jacob. We met at a New Year's party and made eyes and smiled at each other the entire night, but not either of us said a word to each other. I texted him after we each left, and we started talking every day. Finally, one day he (very nervously) told me he liked me. I told him that I felt the same, and we decided to meet up at a park one afternoon. We just walked and talked for a couple hours. We were both very awkward and nervous, but I remember laughing and joking with him after not too long. He came over that night and we watched a movie together.

  Not too long after that night, he was officially my "boyfriend", and he started coming over close to every night to spend time with me. We walked down to the old school so very many times, and we decided to walk even further than that to discover a bridge. We used to walk to the bridge and sit there and talk and kiss and listen to music and even dance together. It was with Jacob and Kaitlyn that I actually went beyond the school to discover all the various, interesting parts of my little town that I'd never seen before.

  Then there were the nights that I'd go over to Jacob's house and we'd hang out in his room or on his roof. We'd randomly decide to go get pizza together and jump in the car and just go. This is a random memory, but it makes me truly happy: I remember our water was out at my house for the longest time, and Jacob offered to let me come over to his house and shower and hang out with him. I did, and in contrast with my choice between cold showers and boiling water to use in the bathtub, my showering experience at his house was the absolute best of my life. The water was so hot, and the pressure was just perfect, and I felt SO clean afterwards!

  I do consider that part of my life the happiest part of my (admittedly short) almost twenty years of life. It is a far cry from what my life is now. I now live in a flourescently lit dorm room, live 2,000 miles away from Jacob, have tons of stress from homework (and honestly feel buried beneath all my obligations), don't see my family except on the weekends, and my Mom and Dad aren't even together anymore. But I'm okay =) I truly believe that the best is yet to come, and that I can and will have happy memories like this again. I'm trying to get to the point that thinking of them don't depress me, but encourage me, and remind me that these memories were just the beginning of what is going to be a wonderful life.

Things I Hate About Working Retail

  Since July 2009, I have worked at Kohl's as a sales associate. I am very, VERY grateful for my job, and consider it a relaxing change of pace from my previous jobs waiting tables (which is just about the most stressful job out there, from what I can tell), I have noticed a few less than pleasing patterns while working there. Here I have collected the things that I hate the most about working retail. Enjoy!

1. People who call me by my first name.

Okay, here's the thing. I don't CHOOSE to wear a name tag. I have to. It's part of my job. It would be one thing if I had been having a pleasant, friendly conversation with a customer and then they said, "Thanks, Kendra!" as they left the store smiling. That kind of thing is tolerable at worst and heartwarming at best. But when I get these random middle aged men who say nothing to me while I ring them up and seem not even to notice my presence while I do so, then slowly say, "Thanks, Kendra," I get a little creeped out. Even worse is when the middle aged man is one of those guys that try to be funny unsuccessfully while you ring them up and then say your name almost flirtatiously.

Even women who do this freak me out a little.

Generally my policy is that unless we've been introduced (or even just know of each other by reputation), I don't want you to call me 'Kendra'. It feels almost like an invasion of personal space, ya feel me?

2. People who honestly believe it makes sense to spend $12 extra in order to get a $10 coupon.

At Kohl's we give out $10 of 'Kohl's Cash' (basically a store coupon) for every $50 that you spend on certain days. I can't tell you how many times I've seen someone spend, say, $38 dollars and then say, "Aww, damn! I was so close to getting my Kohl's Cash! Tracey, go get that blouse so I can spend twelve dollars extra in order to get a ten dollar coupon that I can only spend in ONE place!"

Now, I understand wanting to save money. I LOVE saving money. But this just...doesn't make sense.

3. People who accuse me of false advertising.

Yeah. So. I've heard the "This is false advertising!" bit quite a few times.

I'm sorry, but it's just not false advertising. Everyone knows that you have to read the fine print these days, and with Kohl's coupons, it's not even fine print. All the information you need is printed right on the coupon. So people, before you complain to me and treat ME like crap because Kohl's is apparently committing an offense against you by having conditions for their offers, strap on your reading glasses and READ the coupon. If you don't like what you see, then maybe you can save yourself a trip.

4. People who get mad at me for 'letting' someone else cut in front of them.

When I'm at work, I am a very busy person. Anytime I check someone out, there are many things that I have to pay attention to. I have to simultaneously ring up and bag each person's items, find out each person's method of payment, and depending on which form they choose I may have to either scan a card myself or count change for them. On top of that, most forms of payment require a photo ID which I have to check. It may not sound like a lot, but the process requires my full attention.

Put simply this means that while this is going on, I'm not paying attention to the order of the line; especially since the line order changes all the time.

If someone cuts in front of you, take it up with them...not me. And please, if you are of a different ethnicity, don't make the whole situation even worse by implying that I'm racist because I 'let' a white woman cut in front of you.

5. The fact that none of the 'sales' are really sales at all.

Don't get me wrong, a deal is a deal. But I have to say that it irritates me when I see a shirt go from $10 to "Buy One, Get One Free", with the price now being $20. 

What I mean is that the price never changes, no matter what sales are going on. True, you may have a coupon that saves you some money, but no matter where you go, no matter what coupon you have, you will ALWAYS be paying more than an item's real value. You can take that to court. 

6. Middle aged men wearing muscle shirts who come through my line and literally give me a headache because they are SO drenched in cologne and call me pet names the whole time I'm ringing them up.
...Do I really need to elaborate...?

  There are a bunch of things that irritate me about retail. These things are just the beginning. But I'm not in a particularly spiteful mood right now, so I'm going to let that be that for now. I may add to it later =) 

Love is Strength

  Just now, I posted a status update on facebook that read:

Kendra Forsythe always has been, is, and will be strong=)

I'm done believing anything else.

  I wrote this not because I was feeling rebellious or independent; not because I was trying to prove something to myself or anyone else. I wrote this because I have lately been coming to an important realization: Love is strength, not weakness.

  Growing up, my parents always had problems. They fought almost constantly, and although each parent tried their hardest in their own special ways to be good parents for us kids, the example that their relationship set for us hurt my perception of relationships in so many ways. I saw the pain of rejection over and over. I saw that the person doing the rejecting generally seemed to walk away from an argument unscathed while the rejected person was usually left in tears. I saw that open expression of sadness was generally met with mocking and cruel remarks. Through all of this I learned two principals that have helped to shape the way all of my relationships (both romantic and friendly) have played out for my entire life. These are: 1) Caring is weakness, and 2) Indifference is strength. As childish as it may seem, I have always felt a sense of pride in being the person sought after in any relationship. In friendships, I tried to remain cool and detached. In romantic relationships, I took pride in always being the one to end them before my partner had 'the upper hand'. In ALL my relationships, any sense of sadness and dependency was quickly converted into anger (because yelling seems so much tougher than crying, don't you think?). These habits were deeply engrained in me.

  Over this past year, I've fallen in love. I've been closer to someone than I've ever been to anyone in my life, and I have made myself vulnerable to him. There have been times over the course of the past year when I have been utterly ashamed at myself for being so 'weak', and for caring so much. There have been times when I have been hurt by things that he's done and I found myself crying and thinking, "What happened to me? I used to be so strong..." Before I go on, I will admit that I have been weak over this past year. I have made some wrong decisions that were weak decisions to make; but I'd like to emphasize that it wasn't love that weakened me. I was weak over this past year because I have a short fuse, because I had not yet learned to refrain from perceiving little things as rejection, and overall because I lacked self-control.

  But love has never made a person weak. Maybe it has motivated people to make decisions that aren't easily understood by those on the outside looking in, but it has never made a person weak. It was love that motivated Jesus Christ to lay down His own life (in a very violent and brutal way) for us. Can that be called weakness? I don't think so. The Bible says this about love:

1 Corinthians 13:4 - 7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude.

It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

  None of the Bible's description of love sounds like weakness to me. Although I cannot say that my love matches up to this standard of love completely, I can say that the more I learn to open my heart and realize that love is not a weakness, the more my love starts to look like this. The more I learn about love's true nature, the more I realize that indifference is actually weakness. It's the easy way out for people who are afraid to get hurt; for people who have seen others get hurt by love too often. This being said, I want to clarify that love DOES hurt sometimes. As I've said, I have cried over the one that I love many times. He is an imperfect human being who has done things that were insensitive or rude, or even just annoying. Again, I refer to Christ's sacrifice; we all know that being mocked and beaten and crucified was no walk in the park for Him. But He endured it all because He loves us. As countless 80's songs will testify, love hurts. However, it is worth it.

  In conclusion, I'd like to say thank you to Jacob Beam. You are my love, and the person in my life who made it worth it to open up my heart and see what real love is like =) Thank you for sticking with it, and not giving up on me, even when I've tried to be indifferent. I love you.

Tonight