I've always heard that crying is a good thing. That it is a great release. That sometimes you have to just "let it out". Crying used to be therapeutic for me, because I would let my emotions build up and build up until something small happened and I had a great big cry over it. It was nice to cry then. It wasn't miserable like it is now.
Lately, I cry at the drop of a hat. Someone says something mean to me, and I cry. I fail my driving test and I cry. I think about something sad, and I cry. I see an "emotional" car commercial and I cry. I used to think that it was good that I'd started to so easily access my emotions, because for a long time I felt hardened. I felt like not being emotional about something meant you were powerful. So when I started crying whenever I felt like it, I thought it was good that I was being honest with myself...that I was coming to accept that people have feelings, and that it is okay to cry, and that it is not a sign of weakness. But I don't know anymore.
I don't think it's good to be hardened at all. But I think that when you cry almost daily, when no one feels sorry for what they've done to you at the sight of your tears (even when they truly should), and when crying only makes you feel empty and weak, it is time to "suck it up" (as they say), and focus your attention elsewhere. I'm not sure if this is the most psychologically healthy way to deal with your feelings, but at some point you just have to recognize that you can't be defeated by the things people do to you.
In short, I'm not sure crying is all it's cracked up to be.
Can we please talk? Soon. And get together..and cry. Because this is my life tonight, this is me. This is us.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to see you have a blog! :) And I love that "snowflake" is part of the address. :) I really like what you just wrote...I have been in that very same place except coming out on the other side. I've been trying the "tough" thing lately. Trying to "man up" & let stuff roll off me. Trying harder to be August or even a June (!) from Secret Life of Bees...but never ever a May...which is my natural tendency. Taking on the sorrows of the world was drowning me. But trying to be someone that was completely out of my nature was even harder. It was okay for awhile. It felt good to take on a F-you attitude, a bring it on world, attempting to be fierce & bulletproof. Then last week I collapsed. Couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. Turns out I wasn't built for that & my foundation completely gave way, couldn't support it. So now I am back to crying at car commercials. :) If you need to be stronger & think you have what it takes then I hope you accomplish that! But don't try too hard to be someone else. I told Sam the Insightful that I was SO tired from trying to be tough for so long that I couldn't do it anymore. He said, "No kidding. You're a frikkin' marshmallow." :) So whenever you just need to be a delicate snowflake, it really is okay. At least when no one is looking. I promise not to tell. :)
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